O Come, O Come, Emmanuel....

As I stood beside my best friend in church tonight before work and sang that beautiful hymn,

"O Come, O Come, Emmanuel,
and ransom captive Israel
that mourns in lonely exile here...
until the Son of God appear.... REJOICE! REJOICE!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel."

I was struck by the likeness of the lyrics to my present life situation.... "captive".... "mourns".... "lonely"....
but then, "REJOICE!"

Christ is coming back... not just at the end of mortal time, or the rapture, or whatever you believe will happen. Christ is coming back into my life right now, and at every moment, and making me stronger, more brave, more like HIM. And, for that, I am called to REJOICE.

"O Come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
and death's dark shadow put to flight.
REJOICE! REJOICE! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel."

Although it is at times extremely difficult, I am convicted that by me handing this situation over to the Lord, He is going to disperse the hate, jealousy, anger, envy, and every other negative emotion and put them to flight out of my life. Because I know He will do this, in some way, I will REJOICE!

Lord, from this terrifying situation, deliver me. I WILL REJOICE in You.

LIFE and a case of the "I wants"

I just want to have a life again. Is that too much to ask? I am SO tired... physically, emotionally, and spiritually crappy. I'm not who I once was and I will never be that person again. I just want to know who I WILL be... when I am done with all of this. I am constantly burdened by school, work, a messy house, etc. When will it end? My life is a vicious cycle of running from someplace to get someplace else. I wish I could just be happy where I am, but I'm full of "I wants"...

- I want to graduate.
- I want my house to be clean and spotless.
- I want a REAL HOUSE instead of this trailer I try everyday to make myself like.
- I want a baby when it's time, but I want it to be time now.
- I want to be in shape, but can't find time or motivation to exercise.
- I want to be a nice person, but can never seem to please anyone.
- I want to go to med school, but how in the world am I going to do that, and will it make me more miserable?

Oh, I could go farther with my list, but it's depressing me.

Jesus, come quickly, and get me out of here. This world is not my home.

Lord, from this self-diagnosis, deliver me.

What am I doing?

Well, it's New Year's Eve. Not only is it the last day of 2009, it's my last night on 4 Round Wing, where I have been since March... my very first nursing job. It's a bittersweet night, and the cold that I know is lurking outside is creeping in and out of my heart as I think about what I am doing to myself.

I am comfortable here on 4 Round Wing. Giving meds, sitting around, playing on facebook, etc. If anyone started to die around here I would basically freak out. On January 6th I will start a new job in the Surgical Intensive Care Unit (SICU). The SICU will be freakishly hard I think, but I will learn more than I ever thought I could learn... or at least I hope I will. I also hope I won't hate it. I will feel completely out of my comfort zone, but it will be good.

Sometimes I wonder why I cannot allow myself to be comfortable.
Am I happy here? Absolutely.
Did I enjoy my life immensely while I was not in school? You bet.
I am leaving? Yes.
Am I back in school? Yes, for the next 3 years.

What am I doing?

It seems to me that anytime I am enjoying life I feel forced to change it. Is this God's plan for me? I don't know. Do I think it is? Yes, kinda. Not really sure. I want to do what He wants for me, but sometimes I just wish that I could sit back and allow myself to relax, instead of always being the most stressed-out person I know.

Happy last day of the year... here I come, 2010... year of uncertainty and being uncomfortable.

Lord, into this world of the unknown, otherwise know as my future, deliver me.

eek.

Well, my vacation is over. I'm starting my Masters in Nursing next week. Next Tuesday to be exact. Let's put it this way, say goodbye to me for the next 3 years basically. If grad school is anything like getting my BSN, then I'm in for the long haul. Because I'm working full time as a Registered Nurse, I'm going to school part time, so it will take me 3 years instead of the normal 5 semesters for this specific track, which I am proud of by the way... Certified Nurse Midwife/ Family Nurse Practitioner.
Sounds fun, eh? It will be. A friend of mine delivered 17 babies while in the same program... that in itself inspires the heck out of me.
However, while I am chomping at the bit to deliver a slippery little baby, I'm also terrified at what the stress will do to me. The first time through nursing school I wanted a divorce on more that one occasion... will that happen again? I pray to God that it won't. I think Jeremy and I have really developed our relationship over the past 8 months thanks to me being pretty much stress-free with only work to deal with. Hopefully that understanding between us will last for the next 3 years...
So, if you're reading this, please pray for me as I start this journey. I know I will meet friends that will last a lifetime, and have experiences that will travel even further, it just stresses me out to begin.
Thanks for listening.
Lord, into Your perfect, stress-free love, Deliver Me.

Progress

No, not Pilgrim's Progress... that dumb book that I was supposed to read when I was little and never did... I'm talking about progress in my life... baby steps that I'm proud of... and here they are...
1. I'm officially off orientation after tonight! (That means I'm a real nurse... at least in my mind.)
2. I was accepted into my dream grad program at the very last minute. I'll be starting Vanderbilt University's Certified Nurse Midwife/Family Nurse Practitioner program this fall!
3. I finally have an idea when I can have a baby!! (Preferably after grad school... but you never know! ;-)
4. My marriage is blossoming, and it's been a long-time coming let me tell ya...
5. I'm happy.... very, very happy. :)

Lord, you have delivered me. Please keep on keeping on.

The end.

Earnestly, tenderly...

I had the opportunity to sing at my father-in-law's church this morning... he's a music minister in Culleoka, TN... and apparently when you become a part of the Zimmer family you are automatically required to sing, sing well, and be available to sing somewhere in some church on any given Sunday!

So I sang my little song, listened to the sermon (which is always wonderful there and manages to pull on my heart strings at some point), and then the invitation began. Softly and Tenderly, a classic invitational song that I've sung a thousand times before, but today... for some reason... today, it felt different to sing it.

The chorus goes like this...

"Come home, come home; ye who are weary come home; earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling, calling, O sinner, come home!"

Basically, what else is there than this? I have gone through my entire life loving to be at home... with my parents, kitties, etc. Now, it's different... I'm married and have a different dwelling to come home to, but that's not what makes me feel at home.

Lately, well... mostly over the past two weeks since starting at Vandy, I've felt very depressed. I'm not in the residency track I want to be in... I'm where I thought the mean people at Vanderbilt chose to put me... but now I'm beginning to realize that I'm where God chose to put me, whatever His plan may be. I haven't felt comfortable, or at home, because I'm not where I wanted to be.

Rambling on....

My point is that as I sang that beautiful chorus this morning on one of the most beautiful Sundays we've seen in months, I realized that what makes you feel at home isn't the circumstances that surround your life. It's not where you live, where you work, or what you do from day to day in the humdrum goings-on of life.

It's where you are with God.

With God, I am at home. In my heart, with the Lord, I can feel at home.

"Come home, come home; ye who are weary come home; earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling, calling, O sinner, come home!"

All God wants is for our hearts to dwell with His. And the best part of this not-so-simple little chorus? "Ye who are weary come home."

Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."

(hints the picture up at the top!)

Man, do I need that. Isn't it wonderful to know that when we are the most out of our comfort zone, not where we think we should be, not well-rested to say the least, stressed-out, with too many responsibilities, that all we have to do is come to Jesus? Just come to Him?

Psalm 55:22- "Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken."

Matthew 6:25- "For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?"

Mmmm... how comforting is God's love when we are, or think we are, in the depths of despair. Even when no one wants us because of our attitude, situation, or sin... God still wants us. He's calling us to come home... why is it so difficult to go to that place?

Into a home-like comfort, Lord, Deliver us.

My First Blog!

Alright, Lilia Beldon. :-) You inspired me. Although my words not as fancy and my attitude not always as chipper to say the least, there is something about being able to express my inner thoughts that intrigues me. Granted, I know I have people out there that are willing to listen to just about anything I have to say or felt led to say. The problem with me is that, contrary to popular belief, I might just not be willing to say it in person. Thus the contents of this blog, and probably a few random, silly thoughts here, there, and yonder.

So, why, you ask, did I choose to name this blog, "Deliver Me"? Well, my feathered friends, these two words have come to mean a lot to me recently.

First of all I am a Christian, delivered from my sin by the grace of God sent to us through Jesus Christ, my Savior. Though I can claim my spot in Heaven because of His mercy, I still need deliverance from my sin each and every day.

Lord, from my sin, Deliver Me.

Second, I have a lot of thoughts hidden inside my tee-tiny brain that keep me from being myself on most occasions. I am an only child, and though I was considered the outgoing "class clown" by my schoolmates early in life, there was and is still a sense of being "the last one chosen for dodge-ball" in my mind. Most of the time I think I create it myself, but some days I just can't get around the fact that I seem to be everyone's last care or priority.

Lord, from my thoughts, past and present, Deliver Me.

Third, as I set forth in my journey as a nurse, I feel that the Lord's will is for me to be a midwife and help all mommies bring beautiful babies into this world. Nurse midwives are mentioned in the Bible as early as Genesis 35, simply adding to my excitement as I begin to serve the Lord in my spiritual calling and ministry as a nurse. Nothing inspires me more than to think of all the women and babies I may get the opportunity to deliver during my life as a nurse.

Lord, to Your will for my life, Deliver Me.

So, here goes... this blog will be filled, on occasion, with thoughts and feelings I need to share, or maybe never should have typed... we'll see! I'd be honored if you'd share this journey with me!