God is changing me...

It's strange and unexpected what God has been doing in my soul lately. Things about me that I didn't think would ever change, are changing.

For example, Jeremy and I have kind of been at odds with each other lately because I had decided that I did not want children. My reasons for this were realistic... I didn't want the commitment. I wanted to be able to pick up and go whereever, whenever. I wanted to focus on us. I wanted to travel. I didn't want to be the mom at the restaurant with the screaming brat that everyone stares at. But in the last two weeks, God has honestly changed my heart. There's no other way I can explain it than this. I have a strong desire to become a mother in the next year or two. I have been dreaming about our children. I have seen their faces. It's creepy, but it's suddenly nice to think about.

I have also had a change of heart about midwifery. I almost switched to Women's Health instead of Midwifery two weeks ago because I found myself developing an aversion to pregnancy. The patients I was caring for in clinical mostly had unplanned and unwanted pregnancies. Not only was that enough to turn me off, but I know how much I am going to wish my mother was here to guide me when I do become pregnant, and more importantly, when we are trying to raise that child. I was comparing these unwanted pregnancies to my own future pregnancy, and it scared the bejeebies out of me. Thanks to a little counsel from Jay, I realized what my mind was doing, and had an Oprah "ah-ha" moment. I knew that I had gone into the field of midwifery for a reason, and that I could put my future pregnancy aside and care for all women, throughout the lifetime, pregnant or not, wanted or not. This is my duty as a midwife, and my calling as a follower of Jesus.

Another change of heart that I have had very recently is the type of music that I find myself no longer enjoying. Not to worry, I am still a huge Lady Gaga fan. ;-) It's some of the other music that I can no longer listen to and enjoy... music like Rihanna's and Nicki Minaj's latest albums simply disgust me. The foul language, the explicit sexual references, are simply not appealing or easy to listen to anymore. I don't want that negativity flowing into my brain and continuing to be a part of my life. Lady Gaga, however, who I believe has a higher purpose than just selling records, can stay. She continues to make positive differences in the lives of many.

I guess this is all just a part of becoming more of a woman than a girl, more of a professional than a student, and more independent than not. As the matriarch of my family, it's my responsibilty to develop into a mature and Godly woman, someone my mother and grandmothers would have wanted me to be. I'm trying harder everyday to be a better wife, daughter, friend, student and follower of Jesus. As long as I keep this up, I believe God will keep up His part of molding me into the woman I should be. He's not finished with me yet, so please be patient, people!

Change

A lot in my life has changed this year... well, August 19th, 2010- August 19, 2011 to be exact.
Allow me to try to explain.

Last year on August 19th, I had plans to meet Jay and his mom for lunch in Cool Springs before she whisked him away to Birmingham for the weekend for his cousin's wedding the next day, then had to sing in a wedding that night. On my way to lunch, I heard Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" on the radio. Not knowing who was singing it, I fell in love with the song. I had a lovely lunch with my best friend and his mom, then came home and bought all of GaGa's music on iTunes. Off to the wedding I went.

School was to start back the next week, and the thought of going back was making me physically ill. I sang in the wedding, came home to an empty house because Jeremy was at a football game, and had a panic attack. I had been asking advice from my parents and talking over with Jeremy the idea of postponing school for a year since mom was getting sick. I still had no idea what to do, but started texting Jay to try to talk it out and calm myself down. I told him I was having a panic attack and freaking out and didn't know what to do, so he invited me to come to Birmingham to clear my mind and talk it over. Jeremy had my debit card, and it was 9pm so getting money from the bank was no option. I lied to my mom (I know... lying is bad.) - told her I needed a little cash so I could stay at the hospital with Mark, so she gave me $20, and I hit the interstate. I got several miles down the road and texted Jeremy to let him know where I was headed and what I was doing. He seemed like he tried to understand, but I knew he didn't.

So, I got to Birmingham and talked to Jay about all that was running through my mind about school- the pro's and con's of putting it off for a year, my reasons for putting it off, and what my options were. We went to the wedding the next day, and came back to Nashville on Sunday. I worked Monday night, and on Tuesday, I met with my advisors and they gave me the option of only taking a couple online classes so I could avoid taking a leave of absence in case mom got really sick and I was unable to still go back this fall. After my meeting with them, Jay and I went to the pool.

I started doing things I hadn't taken the time to do before, like make extravagant Halloween costumes, go dancing, make plans with friends, etc. I did things I wanted to do. I went to see Lady GaGa three times in concert, went to The Thomas House in Red Boiling Springs for a ghost tour, went to see Katy Perry in concert, went on the SICU winter and summer retreats, visited The Biltmore, saw Jay in Carmen at TPAC, saw a few other shows, got pedicures, manicures, and massages, and did a bunch of small, random things here and there. I've enjoyed the last year, except for losing my mom.

Now, it's again time to refocus. School starts back on Wednesday. My classes will now begin to be more tailored to my major, nurse-midwifery. I will have labs and clinicals and get to learn about how to actually be a midwife, which I'm pretty pumped about. However, I'm a little... ok, a lot... stressed about not being about to just go out and do whatever I want, whenever I want. Being an adult can suck sometimes.

This year, I have some plans for myself. I have only ever read two real books in my lifetime for pleasure, other than children's books. I'm currently reading The Help, and am waiting on Eat, Pray, Love, and Elizabeth Gilbert's next book, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage, to arrive. I have also ordered Lady GaGa's songs in sheet music and will bring my keyboard down from my parents house and try to teach myself how to play again. I figure if it's music I already love, it will go much better. I have also started counting calories, and hope to shed a few, hopefully many, pounds of flab.

I have some challenges ahead of me in the coming year as well. Besides having to refocus my time on school, I also have to make sure my dad is coping alright with the loss of his wife. And, now Grandmuz's cancer has come back, so we are in the process of learning what her options are.

I will have to say that I've learned a few things this year. I've learned first and foremost that no one is in charge of your happiness except yourself. If you want something, it's yours to go out there and get. No one is going to bring it to you on a platter, unless, of course, it's chicken. I've also learned a little bit more about what I want in life, and what I don't want... and am still developing these emotions/feelings/yearnings daily.
I've learned that if you truly love something, you have to let it go, and it may or may not come back to you, but you cannot wait for its decision... you must keep moving forward at all times. I've learned who I can trust, and that's God. Unfortunately, some of the people I trusted the most have hurt me the most this year, whether they know it or not, but that's just a part of being human. I don't hold grudges.

I said that the last year, specifically August 19, 2010- August 19, 2011, had changed me. Well, ironically, instead of hitting the interstate and beginning a journey like I did last year, I woke up on the 20th and learned that my year had ended with my face hitting the asphalt. Strangely enough, the jolt was enough to wake me up and teach me even more. But I digress....

My goals for this year are to keep doing what I know is important in life: love God, live passionately, and forget regret. I hope you'll join in these goals with me.

Lord, into the next year of adventure that we call life, deliver me.