Change

A lot in my life has changed this year... well, August 19th, 2010- August 19, 2011 to be exact.
Allow me to try to explain.

Last year on August 19th, I had plans to meet Jay and his mom for lunch in Cool Springs before she whisked him away to Birmingham for the weekend for his cousin's wedding the next day, then had to sing in a wedding that night. On my way to lunch, I heard Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" on the radio. Not knowing who was singing it, I fell in love with the song. I had a lovely lunch with my best friend and his mom, then came home and bought all of GaGa's music on iTunes. Off to the wedding I went.

School was to start back the next week, and the thought of going back was making me physically ill. I sang in the wedding, came home to an empty house because Jeremy was at a football game, and had a panic attack. I had been asking advice from my parents and talking over with Jeremy the idea of postponing school for a year since mom was getting sick. I still had no idea what to do, but started texting Jay to try to talk it out and calm myself down. I told him I was having a panic attack and freaking out and didn't know what to do, so he invited me to come to Birmingham to clear my mind and talk it over. Jeremy had my debit card, and it was 9pm so getting money from the bank was no option. I lied to my mom (I know... lying is bad.) - told her I needed a little cash so I could stay at the hospital with Mark, so she gave me $20, and I hit the interstate. I got several miles down the road and texted Jeremy to let him know where I was headed and what I was doing. He seemed like he tried to understand, but I knew he didn't.

So, I got to Birmingham and talked to Jay about all that was running through my mind about school- the pro's and con's of putting it off for a year, my reasons for putting it off, and what my options were. We went to the wedding the next day, and came back to Nashville on Sunday. I worked Monday night, and on Tuesday, I met with my advisors and they gave me the option of only taking a couple online classes so I could avoid taking a leave of absence in case mom got really sick and I was unable to still go back this fall. After my meeting with them, Jay and I went to the pool.

I started doing things I hadn't taken the time to do before, like make extravagant Halloween costumes, go dancing, make plans with friends, etc. I did things I wanted to do. I went to see Lady GaGa three times in concert, went to The Thomas House in Red Boiling Springs for a ghost tour, went to see Katy Perry in concert, went on the SICU winter and summer retreats, visited The Biltmore, saw Jay in Carmen at TPAC, saw a few other shows, got pedicures, manicures, and massages, and did a bunch of small, random things here and there. I've enjoyed the last year, except for losing my mom.

Now, it's again time to refocus. School starts back on Wednesday. My classes will now begin to be more tailored to my major, nurse-midwifery. I will have labs and clinicals and get to learn about how to actually be a midwife, which I'm pretty pumped about. However, I'm a little... ok, a lot... stressed about not being about to just go out and do whatever I want, whenever I want. Being an adult can suck sometimes.

This year, I have some plans for myself. I have only ever read two real books in my lifetime for pleasure, other than children's books. I'm currently reading The Help, and am waiting on Eat, Pray, Love, and Elizabeth Gilbert's next book, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage, to arrive. I have also ordered Lady GaGa's songs in sheet music and will bring my keyboard down from my parents house and try to teach myself how to play again. I figure if it's music I already love, it will go much better. I have also started counting calories, and hope to shed a few, hopefully many, pounds of flab.

I have some challenges ahead of me in the coming year as well. Besides having to refocus my time on school, I also have to make sure my dad is coping alright with the loss of his wife. And, now Grandmuz's cancer has come back, so we are in the process of learning what her options are.

I will have to say that I've learned a few things this year. I've learned first and foremost that no one is in charge of your happiness except yourself. If you want something, it's yours to go out there and get. No one is going to bring it to you on a platter, unless, of course, it's chicken. I've also learned a little bit more about what I want in life, and what I don't want... and am still developing these emotions/feelings/yearnings daily.
I've learned that if you truly love something, you have to let it go, and it may or may not come back to you, but you cannot wait for its decision... you must keep moving forward at all times. I've learned who I can trust, and that's God. Unfortunately, some of the people I trusted the most have hurt me the most this year, whether they know it or not, but that's just a part of being human. I don't hold grudges.

I said that the last year, specifically August 19, 2010- August 19, 2011, had changed me. Well, ironically, instead of hitting the interstate and beginning a journey like I did last year, I woke up on the 20th and learned that my year had ended with my face hitting the asphalt. Strangely enough, the jolt was enough to wake me up and teach me even more. But I digress....

My goals for this year are to keep doing what I know is important in life: love God, live passionately, and forget regret. I hope you'll join in these goals with me.

Lord, into the next year of adventure that we call life, deliver me.

As Newborn Stars Were Stirred to Song

I heard this hymn for the first time tonight as I stood beside my best friend just before his baptism. It's the most beautiful hymn I've heard in a long while. Enjoy. :)


As Newborn Stars Were Stirred to Song
written by: John Karl Hirten

As newborn stars were stirred to song
when all things came to be,
as Miriam and Moses sang
when Israel was set free,
so music bursts unbidden forth
when God-filled hearts rejoice,
to waken awe and gratitude
and give mute faith a voice.

In psalms that raise the singer's sense
to universal truths,
in prophet's dark-toned oracle
or hymn of three brave youths:
the song of faith and praise endured
through those God called to be
a chosen people bearing light for
all the world to see.

When God's redeeming Word took flesh
to make salvation sure,
unheeding hearts attuned to strife
refused love's overture.
Yet to the end the song went on:
a supper's parting hymn,
a psalm intoned on dying lips
when sun and hope grew dim.

But silence won no vict'ry there;
a rest was all it scored
before glad alleluias rose
to greet the risen Lord.
The church still keeps that song alive,
for death has lost its sting,
and with the gift of life renewed
the heart will ever sing.

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel....

As I stood beside my best friend in church tonight before work and sang that beautiful hymn,

"O Come, O Come, Emmanuel,
and ransom captive Israel
that mourns in lonely exile here...
until the Son of God appear.... REJOICE! REJOICE!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel."

I was struck by the likeness of the lyrics to my present life situation.... "captive".... "mourns".... "lonely"....
but then, "REJOICE!"

Christ is coming back... not just at the end of mortal time, or the rapture, or whatever you believe will happen. Christ is coming back into my life right now, and at every moment, and making me stronger, more brave, more like HIM. And, for that, I am called to REJOICE.

"O Come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
and death's dark shadow put to flight.
REJOICE! REJOICE! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel."

Although it is at times extremely difficult, I am convicted that by me handing this situation over to the Lord, He is going to disperse the hate, jealousy, anger, envy, and every other negative emotion and put them to flight out of my life. Because I know He will do this, in some way, I will REJOICE!

Lord, from this terrifying situation, deliver me. I WILL REJOICE in You.

LIFE and a case of the "I wants"

I just want to have a life again. Is that too much to ask? I am SO tired... physically, emotionally, and spiritually crappy. I'm not who I once was and I will never be that person again. I just want to know who I WILL be... when I am done with all of this. I am constantly burdened by school, work, a messy house, etc. When will it end? My life is a vicious cycle of running from someplace to get someplace else. I wish I could just be happy where I am, but I'm full of "I wants"...

- I want to graduate.
- I want my house to be clean and spotless.
- I want a REAL HOUSE instead of this trailer I try everyday to make myself like.
- I want a baby when it's time, but I want it to be time now.
- I want to be in shape, but can't find time or motivation to exercise.
- I want to be a nice person, but can never seem to please anyone.
- I want to go to med school, but how in the world am I going to do that, and will it make me more miserable?

Oh, I could go farther with my list, but it's depressing me.

Jesus, come quickly, and get me out of here. This world is not my home.

Lord, from this self-diagnosis, deliver me.

What am I doing?

Well, it's New Year's Eve. Not only is it the last day of 2009, it's my last night on 4 Round Wing, where I have been since March... my very first nursing job. It's a bittersweet night, and the cold that I know is lurking outside is creeping in and out of my heart as I think about what I am doing to myself.

I am comfortable here on 4 Round Wing. Giving meds, sitting around, playing on facebook, etc. If anyone started to die around here I would basically freak out. On January 6th I will start a new job in the Surgical Intensive Care Unit (SICU). The SICU will be freakishly hard I think, but I will learn more than I ever thought I could learn... or at least I hope I will. I also hope I won't hate it. I will feel completely out of my comfort zone, but it will be good.

Sometimes I wonder why I cannot allow myself to be comfortable.
Am I happy here? Absolutely.
Did I enjoy my life immensely while I was not in school? You bet.
I am leaving? Yes.
Am I back in school? Yes, for the next 3 years.

What am I doing?

It seems to me that anytime I am enjoying life I feel forced to change it. Is this God's plan for me? I don't know. Do I think it is? Yes, kinda. Not really sure. I want to do what He wants for me, but sometimes I just wish that I could sit back and allow myself to relax, instead of always being the most stressed-out person I know.

Happy last day of the year... here I come, 2010... year of uncertainty and being uncomfortable.

Lord, into this world of the unknown, otherwise know as my future, deliver me.

eek.

Well, my vacation is over. I'm starting my Masters in Nursing next week. Next Tuesday to be exact. Let's put it this way, say goodbye to me for the next 3 years basically. If grad school is anything like getting my BSN, then I'm in for the long haul. Because I'm working full time as a Registered Nurse, I'm going to school part time, so it will take me 3 years instead of the normal 5 semesters for this specific track, which I am proud of by the way... Certified Nurse Midwife/ Family Nurse Practitioner.
Sounds fun, eh? It will be. A friend of mine delivered 17 babies while in the same program... that in itself inspires the heck out of me.
However, while I am chomping at the bit to deliver a slippery little baby, I'm also terrified at what the stress will do to me. The first time through nursing school I wanted a divorce on more that one occasion... will that happen again? I pray to God that it won't. I think Jeremy and I have really developed our relationship over the past 8 months thanks to me being pretty much stress-free with only work to deal with. Hopefully that understanding between us will last for the next 3 years...
So, if you're reading this, please pray for me as I start this journey. I know I will meet friends that will last a lifetime, and have experiences that will travel even further, it just stresses me out to begin.
Thanks for listening.
Lord, into Your perfect, stress-free love, Deliver Me.

Progress

No, not Pilgrim's Progress... that dumb book that I was supposed to read when I was little and never did... I'm talking about progress in my life... baby steps that I'm proud of... and here they are...
1. I'm officially off orientation after tonight! (That means I'm a real nurse... at least in my mind.)
2. I was accepted into my dream grad program at the very last minute. I'll be starting Vanderbilt University's Certified Nurse Midwife/Family Nurse Practitioner program this fall!
3. I finally have an idea when I can have a baby!! (Preferably after grad school... but you never know! ;-)
4. My marriage is blossoming, and it's been a long-time coming let me tell ya...
5. I'm happy.... very, very happy. :)

Lord, you have delivered me. Please keep on keeping on.

The end.