A midwife in the room...

I caught a glimpse of it tonight.. being "the midwife in the room". This experience changed me just as I knew it would- I just didn't know how it would.

Allow me to tell you some of the story...

After a long couple of days, I was so very happy to be crawling into bed tonight at around 9:45pm. I thought, "Our induction won't go until tomorrow... I can sleep until I wake up." Then, at 11:30, my preceptor, who was down the hall from me :-), called and said something to the effect of, "Homebirth... heart rate 220's... bringing her in... do you want to go?" Because I was so very much in dreamland, I blew off what she was telling me as being 'no big deal', and drifted back off to sleep. In a matter of seconds, I woke back up and wondered if the conversation I had just had even actually occurred. I had to check my phone to be sure. Suddenly, I felt completely compelled to get out of bed and go to the hospital with my preceptor, who was, at that moment, pulling out of the driveway. So, I threw on my scrubs and headed that way as well.

After arriving at the hospital, we waited for the patient to arrive, and, not very long story short, we experienced a very beautiful birth from a "different perspective" ;-) (Denise, that one's for you.).

And a very different persepctive it was.

I'm still not comfortable enough in myself to get right up in a woman's face and say comforting things to her in a comforting voice... that is a talent I am still developing. So, I was not her primary care giver, but I was very much involved in what was going on.

It is now that I realize that we, as midwives, are all connected on the same plane... the great cosmos... whatever you want to call it. I've never said the word "cosmos". There we were... the Certified Professional Midwife that transferred the patient to the hospital from the homebirth, the Certified Nurse-Midwife, otherwise known as my preceptor, and me, the lowly nurse-midwifery student. We were one... supporting this woman's labor all in varying degrees, all in different positions (literally), but we were one. I felt so comfortable knowing that the other two midwives were there with me, and suddenly I felt like "a midwife in the room". I wasn't "the" midwife... I was "a" midwife.

I am a midwife.

It was with this realization that I was again reminded what a humble role the midwife plays in a labor and delivery. Yes, we know a lot about what is normal, what is not normal, and how to treat each differential. But, in the grand scheme, we really are glorified cheerleaders. We are simply "in the room". Tonight, I attended my 20th birth.

I was a midwife in the room.

Lord, from the pride and into simply being a midwife, deliver me.

Integration

As most of you know, I'm now in Toccoa, Georgia for my integration, and last, semester of the nurse-midwifery program. This semester is meant to let us "find ourselves" as midwives; basically, to let us practice as midwives under the direct supervision of a certified nurse-midwife.

So, here I am... for ten weeks.

The clinic I'm working in is wonderful. It's actually much better than I had anticipated, as none, well, maybe a couple, of the patients I have seen look like characters from 'Deliverance'. (Insert banjo music). The patients are great. The staff has welcomed me with open arms. I am happy there.

The birth situation is going beautifully as well. I have already attended two births (see how my use of words to describe a 'delivery' has already changed?). As my preceptor mentioned, we once said "I delivered a baby". Then we said, "I caught a baby", as in one of my instructor's phrases, "Pizzas are delivered. Babies are born." Now, I say, "I attended a birth." Moms deliver the babies. I make sure they don't hit the floor. That's about it. In another instructor's words, "I am a glorified cheerleader."

As far as all this goes, it sounds as if things are going well... correct? Well... yes and no.

You see, I am a serious homebody. I crave nothing more than to be at home with my husband, "in my dirt" as Grandmuz used to say, with my animals, in my hot tub, washing my dishes, what-have-you. Now, I am in someone else's home (my preceptor's- who I am so grateful to for inviting and hosting me). I'm in a town I've never seen before. I am uncomfortable, but honestly, I can't pinpoint why.

Here's my theory: I asked God long ago to make me into the person and midwife that He wants me to be. I believe He's working on it. I know this sounds terrible, but I don't think I've ever been through anything this difficult other than my mother's death. I've only been here since Tuesday night (this is Friday night), and I am absolutely mentally miserable. My only logic that I can fester up is that God is absolutely breaking me down to my core, as to make me into the person and midwife He wants of me. I cannot explain my misery any other way than this.

In the past, with friends and family members whom I knew did not know the Lord, I have prayed for God to make them so miserable that they have no other feasible choice than to turn to and accept Him. Granted, I have 'known' the Lord for 13 years now. Now He's doing something different. I believe He's stripping me of all of my comforts... breaking me down... and revealing the person I am to become as a result of this nurse-midwifery program and my experiences during it. My beautiful preceptor said to me tonight, "I'm a midwife all the time." I want to feel that way. I crave to feel that way. An instructor said to our class once, "At a certain point, you'll feel like the midwife in the room. It will be a very specific time, and you will recognize it." I am desperate for that moment. I have not felt it yet. I have to believe that God is breaking me down so that when that moment happens, I will notice it. I will be focused on it.

Apparently, there is more to integration than we thought.

Lord, from this misery and into Your perfect will for my life as a midwife, deliver me.