Happy Mother's Day?

I choose my attitude. I realize that. I believe we all choose what emotions we allow ourselves to feel at any given moment. A couple months ago, I realized that not only did I have to get through the 4th of July holiday this year (the day after mom's death), but, well blah, Mother's Day would come sooner. I didn't know what emotions I would feel today, but I wasn't really looking forward to it. I can say all I want that I want to "honor all my mother figures", and "not take any of my mothers for granted", but you know what? I miss my mom. No matter how wonderful all these other women may be, they're not my mom. And today, I miss her so deeply.

I woke up this morning and reset my alarm. I knew going to church and hearing all the Mother's Day hooplah (excuse my term) would not be easy, so I stayed in bed. During that extra two hours of sleep, I dreamt of my mother, something I've only done now three times since her death. I treasure those dreams with her, so I was pleased that I had stayed under the covers and out of the rain. Once I got out of bed, I was in shock mode. "Today is Mother's Day! I have to stop and get my mom a ca...... oh yeah, almost forgot there for a second." I have one of those moments at least once per day. I'll think, "That class was awesome! I need to call my mom and tell her..." And then I remember, and the sting hurts. Today, this morning, the sting was worse. I was left after my initial thought of having to still get my mom a Mother's Day card wondering if all those other 25 cards that I gave her were the perfect cards. Did they say the right things? Did I pick them out with intention? Did I treat her on Mother's Day and everyday like the amazing woman that she was? No. Not every day. I can't put myself through the guilt of knowing that at times I hurt her... at times, I did not acknowlegde her wisdom. I wish I had, but I'm human. I'm forgiving myself of all those times.

We went on to Jeremy's parents home to spend lunch with them and his grandparents. I love Jeremy so so very much, and, Lord help him, he has no idea what I'm going through. He's never lost anyone close to him, and I've lost everyone in my family except my dad. I don't expect Jeremy, or anyone else who still has his or her parents, to understand how days like this feel. Heck, I didn't even know how it would feel. Something about today, though, didn't feel as special as I thought it should have felt. Seeing Jeremy interact with his mother, although a perfectly fine and normal way to act, didn't seem like enough to me. I just kept thinking of what I would say to my mom if she were standing in front of me at that moment... how long I would hold her in a hug... what would I say? I still don't even know. You never know when any holiday is going to be your last with someone. But, think about this for a second... What would you say if you knew it was the last?

What would you say? Please think about that question, and then, say it.

Lord, from my hesitancy of saying exactly how much people mean, deliver me.