It's strange and unexpected what God has been doing in my soul lately. Things about me that I didn't think would ever change, are changing.
For example, Jeremy and I have kind of been at odds with each other lately because I had decided that I did not want children. My reasons for this were realistic... I didn't want the commitment. I wanted to be able to pick up and go whereever, whenever. I wanted to focus on us. I wanted to travel. I didn't want to be the mom at the restaurant with the screaming brat that everyone stares at. But in the last two weeks, God has honestly changed my heart. There's no other way I can explain it than this. I have a strong desire to become a mother in the next year or two. I have been dreaming about our children. I have seen their faces. It's creepy, but it's suddenly nice to think about.
I have also had a change of heart about midwifery. I almost switched to Women's Health instead of Midwifery two weeks ago because I found myself developing an aversion to pregnancy. The patients I was caring for in clinical mostly had unplanned and unwanted pregnancies. Not only was that enough to turn me off, but I know how much I am going to wish my mother was here to guide me when I do become pregnant, and more importantly, when we are trying to raise that child. I was comparing these unwanted pregnancies to my own future pregnancy, and it scared the bejeebies out of me. Thanks to a little counsel from Jay, I realized what my mind was doing, and had an Oprah "ah-ha" moment. I knew that I had gone into the field of midwifery for a reason, and that I could put my future pregnancy aside and care for all women, throughout the lifetime, pregnant or not, wanted or not. This is my duty as a midwife, and my calling as a follower of Jesus.
Another change of heart that I have had very recently is the type of music that I find myself no longer enjoying. Not to worry, I am still a huge Lady Gaga fan. ;-) It's some of the other music that I can no longer listen to and enjoy... music like Rihanna's and Nicki Minaj's latest albums simply disgust me. The foul language, the explicit sexual references, are simply not appealing or easy to listen to anymore. I don't want that negativity flowing into my brain and continuing to be a part of my life. Lady Gaga, however, who I believe has a higher purpose than just selling records, can stay. She continues to make positive differences in the lives of many.
I guess this is all just a part of becoming more of a woman than a girl, more of a professional than a student, and more independent than not. As the matriarch of my family, it's my responsibilty to develop into a mature and Godly woman, someone my mother and grandmothers would have wanted me to be. I'm trying harder everyday to be a better wife, daughter, friend, student and follower of Jesus. As long as I keep this up, I believe God will keep up His part of molding me into the woman I should be. He's not finished with me yet, so please be patient, people!
